Clean Slate

Being Hopeful

Today I will wake up again
From yesterday’s pain
And tomorrow, it’ll all be the same

If insanity is defined by “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different result”, would that make sanity as something along the line of “doing different things over and over again to achieve the same result”? Well to be honest, I don’t think it has to be about achieving the same result, it’s more so about the “doing different things” part that I’d like to focus about.

For the most part, I’ve always been one for trying new and/or different things, and I thought I was doing it for the sake of “why not?” because after all I don’t have many — if any — to lose. I keep telling myself that because while it may or may not be the truth, nothing really seem to matter that much. And that’s a good enough reason for me to keep on going, really. If nothing seems to matter, then I only have to make my own meaning, it’s only up to me what’s the meaning behind everything that I do.

But I guess that’s where I ran into a problem. The problem is that I’m setting myself up for failure from the fact that I want things that I do to have meanings, in some way or another. It’s a bit hard to accept the fact that not everything we do will always have or give meaning. You’d think that if you do something that’s meaningless then it would be a waste of time, and you cannot bought back those time you lost from doing “meaningless” things. So, you try to put meaning to everything, but by doing that you’re then starting to forget or even being unable to actually enjoy and cherish the things you do because all you think about is “How am I going to make thing meaningful? How can I make it last?” and before you know it, it’s all over and you’re only left with regrets. From there is where the vicious cycle is created, and it took a lot out of my sanity.

I realise more and more that perhaps I’m doing all this not because I don’t have anything to lose. If anything, it might be because I’m afraid to lose those things that it made me look for something that can “fix” things for the better. I want things to be better, but maybe some things are just… shit. And it’s best to leave it like that.

The analogy is like, you try to fix every problem in your house be it a water leak or some sort of pest control. You do all that and you think it seems to do its job, but the problem is that the house is build on top of a bad foundation. So, no matter what you do there will always going to be a problem. You don’t cure a disease by only treating its symptoms. And I guess from that I need to look deep into whatever problem I’m currently having rather than putting a band-aid fix into those problems.

Well, if there’s anything I’m good at, is that I’m good at finding solutions by doing different things. I’m just hoping I’m not going to run into the same problem again.

Perhaps there is solace
The fact that nothing last
Everything will pass
And it all be the past