Redemption
Does it really matter?
Dreaming of tomorrow’s respair
Today, I wake up from yesterday’s despair
You’ve climbed mountains, walked to the edge of the world, been through hell and back, and beaten Death at hand-to-hand combat. Congratulations. You have now become eternal. But if you were to tell me two years ago that I will be where I am right now, I suppose I would’ve said that that’s very optimistic of you.
Looking back, I’m still not quite sure of what to make and/or feel about everything. On one hand, it does feels good to finally be able to overcome hurdles. But on the other hand, there’s just this nagging feeling that I can’t quite describe, and it’s been bothering me.
Obviously there was a little moment of relief and joy after I overcame those obstacles. And there was a feeling of pride too, being able to tell (some) people that “I did it, I made it”, and the happiness that comes from seeing and knowing how happy they are of you. But even after defeating Death, somehow the demons still lingers inside me.
For all the hardships I endured, I thought overcoming them would feel more rewarding, in a sense of proving a point that I — in fact — am capable of doing things that I otherwise would thought to be challenging. But I suppose, what’s the point of proving a point if there’s nobody to prove it to? What’s the point of redemption if there’s nobody that would be proud of? Even after telling everybody, it still feels like they’re living in a different world than me, that they’re still million miles apart.
Maybe it’s the realization that the job is not really finished, and that there are more things to be done. There will always be things to take care of, things to look after, and things to improve on. For a while that thought used to drive me insane, how relentless things are and how sometimes I just feel so helpless and hopeless trying to fight back the tide, but I’m trying to see everything in a different light.
I think by now I just have to accept that we will always have those demons inside us, and it’s better if I start to make peace with it rather than to keep fighting a futile fight.
